The Alternative Place To Be

Top 5 things that women do in bed

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January 25, 2013 0 comments

*** *** WARNING *** ***

There follows a piece that contains some risky language, but then again it’s about sex and we’re all adults.  We’ve also got a sense of humour.  So, get over it.

Besides, it’s a lot tamer than that 50 Shades shite and we know you’ve all had a flick to that.

So myself and Sarah were trying once again to think of what we could battle off between us in a man vs woman type dealy.

I came up with this idea as I’m left handed, and therefor scientifically proven to be more creative.  It balances out though as she’s a much better writer, and she’s prettier than me.

Although I do have the great ability to give a compliment and then take it back in the same sentence with some patronising condescension.  So there’s always that.

1.  Oral skills

First time I ever had a blowjob it should have been a wondrous experience.  Instead it was like having a set of wind up novelty teeth chomping down on me.

Girls, it’s not enough to simply place us in your wanting mouths and actually treat our meat like you’re an angry penis goblin who must rid the world of penises with your teeth.

My first blowjob ever was from a girl who had braces, and a terrible cold and had just come from the dentist.  So because she was self conscious about her braces, she forgot her own strength and ate my cock like it was an antidote for braces.  Then because she’d just come from the dentist the anaesthetic hadn’t worn off so that meant she was a little rougher on account of she couldn’t feel anything in her mouth.  This also made her dribble copiously.

But because she had a terrible cold, was concentrating so much on the task at hand and was worrying about her braces, she neglected to realise that not only was she blowing me, she was also blowing one of the biggest snot bubbles I’ve ever witnessed.

So impressive was it, that if my softening member wasn’t so close to it, I’d have taken a picture.

Girls, if you’re unsure ask us.  We’ll tell you exactly what to do.

Each man is different.  Some men might get off on drugged, bunged up blender mouths trying to pleasure them, I don’t now.

2.  Spooning

We’ve just had sex.  The contents of our nuts are somewhere around/on/in you or at least the vicinity.  We’re ready to do two things:

  • Fall asleep.
  • Not be near the drying contents of our nuts.

Plus, it’ll end up with either you lying on our arms and falling asleep first, which makes it tres difficult for us to move without waking you up, and therefore resulting in prolonged spooning.  Or we’ll fall asleep on your arm and you’ll wake us up when you’re choc full of spooning and are ready to sleep yourself, and turn over.

Either way, get ta fuck with the spooning.  If you insist on spooning, work it into the foreplay time at the start.  Or suggest a position that involves spooning.  This will impress your man because it will be thoughtful and time saving and multi tasking.

“Of course I’m into anal. My house is meticulously clean”

3.  Bragging

“I’m such a slut in the bedroom, in fact I think there’s a video of me on the internet being banged by about 14 giant blackmen.  Yeah, total slutbag me.”

“I can suck a golf ball through cocktail straw and I always swallow every drop”

“There’s nothing you can suggest or fantasise about that I won’t do.  In fact, I’ve probably already done it!”

Right, so why is it then that after all that you dive under the duvet, in the dark and lie there in the starfish position asking if it’s dark enough in here?

Because after mucho West Coast Coolers and more dirty talk than a Jimmy Savile wet dream, we’re expecting a girl who can take more sausage than a coddle pot, suck our brains out through our japseye, swallow our load with a smile and an asking for more, because you’ve done it all.

Imagine our disappointment when we find out that the holy fucking spirit has more chance of getting his hole from you, and it has to be missionary position because you’re worried we won’t like how your nipples look if you go on top.

It’s no different to us men saying we’re great at foreplay and we’ve got a mahoosive, lesbian game changing cock.  Only to find out that we’ll cum before you’ve gotten your bra off and a cock small enough to be deemed a man-clit.

Just don’t build us up, buttercup.

4.  Dirty talk

This depends entirely on where you’re from.

If you’re from anywhere else in the world apart from Ireland then by all means, talk dirty.

American, English, even fucking South African will do the trick.  (You’ll think you’re going down on the evil guy from Lethal Weapon 2 and his diplomatic immunity, but still)

Doesn’t matter if you come from North/South Dublin, Cork or the arse end of The Burren, just imagine what the following sentences sound like in an Irish accent:

  • “Oh yeah, suck me diddies”
  • “I don’t usually like it up me gicker, but we’ll give it a bash”
  • “Hang on, I’ve a pube in the back of me throat”

It’s just not the way to go.  Now if you can sound like Nigella Lawson when you do it, or even Frankie Boyle at a push then you might be on to something.

5.  Asking scary questions

“You want to put your what in my where now?”

As Jules once said to Vincent in Pulp Fiction:

“If my answers frighten you, you should cease asking scary questions” and there’s never been a truer word spoken.

Don’t ask us our fantasies or what you can do that turns us on if you’re going to end up more shocked and disgusted than a lesbian feminist nun who’s slipped in a puddle at a bukkake party.

Granted, if we said we wanted to dress you like a nun and bring you to a slip n’ slide/bukkake do that was smart casual then you could react that way.  But admitting that we want you to dress like a French Maid and tickle our rings with your feather duster shouldn’t be a big thing.

Or if we say that we’d like to explore the possibility of you and your sister getting freaky.

Or even if we confess to wanting to wear your thong while we pleasure ourselves in the shower while you urinate on us and sing a Katy Perry song of your choice.

You don’t have to do any of it, and we might never actually want to do any of it, that’s why they’re fantasies.  Just don’t get shocked.  You asked.

Just like we won’t get shocked when you admit that you love anal, having your toes sucked, being slightly strangled and ending up with hand marks on your bum cheeks from the spanking, while thinking about Anne Hathaway in a crotchless Cat Woman suit sitting on your face.

Because we’d think that was just dandy.

Am I wrong?

About the Author
Matt McG

I is the boss.

You are not worthy.

You may ask nicely though.

editor@chunk.ie


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