The Worst Twitter Offenders
Twitter, you either get it or you don’t. I sort of get it, but I’m usually the exception that proves a rule. Cos that’s how I roll.
I used to think that Twitter was a way to text an open audience when no one in your contacts was texting you to begin with. Companies use it to promote their latest wares, we’ll use it to tell you all about our latest stuff and comedians will use it to test out material that they know isn’t really funny.
Now, we’re no Stephen Fry on Twitter or anything with thousands of followers, but that’s mainly down to us being a bit special in the head when it comes to Twitter, but we’ll get there.
As much as we’d love to have some, interns/workies/slaves/people who adore us and are willing to do whatever we want without reward are in short supply.
But really the main reason why I personally tend to stay away from Twitter is because of the myriad of horrible types that are on there.
Not the bloke who twitpics his abs or the girl who duck faces so much that Daffy gets a shiver down his back every time a pic is uploaded. No, the every day person who is just minding their own business. But they’re not really. They’re out to annoy you and your Twitter timeline.
Here’s my list of people that make Twitter a pain in the hole:
The Self Proclaimed Everything:
Picture – In a suit, but smiling so he’s not all about business.
Tagline – Blogger, writer, columnist, pr, marketer, serial social networker, reviewer, CEO of Awesome Town, collector of all things eclectic and Urban Outfitters, part time busker of cross over Madness/Enya genre, joke stealer, story teller, good listener, athiest (but will totally respect your views), lover of theatre and cinema, one time comedian and biscuit enthusiast. Oh, and I make a savage and totes amazeballs brown soda bread.
Downfall – First off, has a ratio of 12:1 on following to followers, mostly because he’s an insufferable munt who likes everything.
Most tweets will either begin or end with something like “Wow, really interesting stuff…”, or “my friends over at…”.
Actually thinks he works in social media (and I’m sorry, but unless your pay cheque is signed by Facebook, Twitter or any of the others then you don’t.), and will go for “cocktails” (Stella shandies) with “my boys” (lonely office girl) to unwind from his very busy day of filtering through which press releases he can get free shit from.
The Comedian (not the person who has something funny to say to everything, but the person who gets paid to tell jokes for a living)
Picture – something hilarious like them in a Lara Croft outfit that totally shows off their comedic abilities and doesn’t make the viewer/follower think that they go for cheap laughs.
Tagline – How many comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, if there’s a promise of a second gig, we’ll get as many of us to screw in there as you want!
Downfall – Well for a crowd of people who say that they shouldn’t have to be “on” all the time, they sure are on Twitter. At least I think they are. But if they are then I wonder how they get gigs at all.
“Typical, wait ages for a bus and then nothing comes along. Just have to wait longer I suppose”. Oh, I see what you did there, we thought you were going to say that three come along at once, you crafty shit you.
“I want to find the 0.01% of bacteria that Dettol doesn’t kill and form an unstoppable army. Mwah ha ha ha ha!”. Right, so clean your kitchen tops with Dettol, when it’s dry take some culture samples from what’s left behind, bring them to a lab/evil scientist with the appropriate fee and see what happens. Nothing. Just like what would have happened if you told that joke to an audience.
See I get that a comedian is constantly working on material and routines, I do. But do it with a live audience, not with a Twitter account. Because while those two examples above are hilarious (and they are cos I made them up instead of stealing them from someone’s Twitter feed), they won’t land as much as they would with trained timing and delivery.
In other words, if you think something is comedy gold, don’t waste it on a Twitter feed. Try it out on an audience, or write for somewhere like CHUNK.ie. Cos we’re awesome and hilarious and you want to be like us.
The Self Promoter
Picture – Their face. Close up. Extreme close up. Or a picture of them doing something they think is awesome that you have to know about.
Tagline – Live life to the full. How you feel is everything!
Downfall – These are just kunts. They promote the latest diet, but secretly gorge on Creme Egg Carbonara. They promote a fun, full and energetic life. They seem to have no job, but endless means to do all the fun stuff we all want to do. And they’re brilliant at rubbing your face in it.
“Just bungee jumped over a bridge in the Andes. It’s so spiritual here. Off now to pleasure myself in the pool of tranquility.”
Every tweet is about the awesome stuff they did, are doing and are going to do in the near future.
Typical that they never tweet about how they were jailed for 600 years in Indonesia for smuggling some balloons of heroin up their bum to pay back a massive gambling debt they accumulated while scrounging around South America.
If they’re not the travelling type, they’re the volunteering kind.
“OMG, tough nite at the soup kitchen. We ran out of bread and Crazy Dave started shouting at the ladles. But so good to help out” Yeah, that might be more than 140 characters, I don’t know.
Go and donate to the local charity shop like the rest of us. You’re making us look bad.
Have we missed anyone?