The Alternative Place To Be

Digestives are for sissy girly boys Man Biscuit Preview
September 18, 2012 0 comments

Yeah you read that right, and even if it sounds like a manly form of diarrhoea when you say it out loud a manly biscuit is called a Manscuit.  We could have called them CHUNKIES, but that’s too obvious.

Digestives are a way of the past, Rich Tea are for your granny and even time is running out for the once great Hob Nob.  I shit you not.

So we’ve gone ahead and put together a recipe for manly biscuits that will give you something proper to dunk in your cup of scaldy and also have women flocking around you at break time.  Even when they say things like “Oh I couldn’t, my diet etc ad nauseum” while shoving another one into their eating hole.

It’s not that we mind ladies munching a biscuit or a muffin (naughty), just eat it already.

Men, whether or not you’re culinary skills are that of an Iron Chef or of a posh student trying to work out how the chef makes the Pot Noodle work, we know our audience.  So we keep it simple.  Besides, you won’t have time to worry about recipes because after we’ve sorted you out, you’ll be balls knee deep in multiclunge pretty girls.  (Must not watch Inbetweeners before sitting down to edit)

The Manscuit.


150 grams caster sugar

300 grams unsalted butter (cheap, smelly student types can use margarine or lard or the horrible layer of fat on your student digs grill pan)

450 grams plain flour

Whatever other lovely shit you have lying around that you can throw in there like

  • chopped nuts
  • chocolate chips
  • other biscuits

Hang on to your bean bag, cos shit’s about to get real.

1.  Preheat your oven to about 180 celsius.  Americans can fuck off with their farenheit and anyone working on gas mark ovens should die of shame.

2.  Grease a baking tray.  Failing you having grease or a baking tray, an oven proof plate and some baking paper will do the trick.  If you haven’t got any of that, skip on to step number 13 and stop wasting our time.

3.  Soften your butter/marge/student tray scrapings in the microwave for a few seconds.  You don’t want a pool of melty muck, you want it soft enough to easily poke your finger into it.  I would make a joke about sticking something else in to it, but you’re way ahead of me.  For those of you who aren’t, I mean you could stick your penis in there.

4.  Got a mixer?  Fuck all those ingredients in the mixer, flick it on and watch it work like an electronic biscuit bitch.  Skip to step number 8.  If you have no mixer, carry on to the next step after you’ve realised the shame you’ve brought onto your family.

5.  Call your father and confess that you’re making pretty little biscuits by hand.  When he’s disowned you, you’ll have one less person wanting to scrounge your brilliant knicker wetting snacks off you.

6.  Put all your ingredients into a regular bowl.  Real men will be able to will the ingredients to bind together out of fear.  Fear of your manly wrath.  If you manage that, then you can skip right on to step number 8.

7.  If you haven’t got the hairs to frighten the shit out of food stuffs enough to make them do your bidding, then whack a wooden spoon up your bum and bind the ingredients that way.  All the while sobbing that you’re a “pretty little master baker who loves dunking and nuts”.  Make sure the neighbours can hear, they should know of your shame.

8.  Make some balls from your mixture.

9.  When you’ve returned from Google to find out just how gay it is to be making biscuits and balls and utensil bum play then you can lay them out on your sheet/tray.

10.  Flatten them out a little bit.  Just a little bit.  I swear if you over do it and wreck this simple recipe that I’ve managed to stretch out to 670 un-necessary words so far then as Lucifer is my witness I’ll break into your house and stick my willy in your ear while you sleep.  Then you’ll wake up and wonder if there was something done to your ear over night.  You might even turn to your girl/boyfriend and ask – “Did you put your willy in my ear last night?  Cos it really feels like there was a willy in my ear while I slept.  Even had a dream about it.  Weird.”

They’ll look at you like you’re all crazy and in the meantime, I’ll be on my new site and your pic will be all over it.  Good luck living that down, fuck wit.

11. Put them in the oven.  Wait til they’re done.  “Oh, but how will we know when they’re done?”.  When they look like fucking biscuits, fucktard.

12.  Take them out, lay them all nice on a plate and wait for your school friends from the 1950’s to come around for milk and cookies.

13.  Failing all of that, just fuck off to the shop and buy a packet of whatever.

All messing aside, this is a simple 1-2-3 dough.  1 part sugar, 2 parts butter, 3 parts flour.  After that, you can really add whatever you want.  Chopped nuts, peanut butter, choc chips, smashed up M&M’s, really whatever you like.

I put some M&M’s into these bad boys and a few drops of vanilla essence, cos that’s how I roll.  I also put in some broken up HobNobs because that’s how manly my biscuits are – they eat other biscuits.

Big proper, chunky, dunking mother fuckers that will soak up your tea or coffee like tea or coffee soaking up gangstas.

Take them into college and you’ll never get laid.  Take them into work and that receptionist you’re trying to get moist with will have you in the friend zone quicker gay eunuch.  Of course you could take them into work and offer one to Trev, that prick who always calls you Fathew instead of Mathew.  Added man points if you maintain eye contact while watching Trevor munch down a mouthful of your knob butter biscuits.  (See step 3)

Wash it down with a magnificent cup of your chosen choice of scaldy, or a nice cold glass of milk.

Haters gonna hate.

Too much effort?

What’s your choice tea time dunker?

About the Author
Matt McG
I is the boss. You are not worthy. You may ask nicely though.


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