The Alternative Place To Be

How to Build a Fort on the Couch Tips and Tricks

Couch fort
September 17, 2013 0 comments

Let’s face it, we’re a lazy bunch of scrotes when we want to be.  If we didn’t have to go to work/the dole office, we’d never leave the gaff.  There’s plenty of places on the internet to find women that will come to you, supermarkets and take aways that deliver and we have it on good authority that the human body becomes self cleaning after a while.

In fairness cavemen didn’t exfoliate and condition and they had no problem getting clunge (apologies for the crassness, just watched some Inbetweeners marathon).  We’re assuming.

Let’s face it even more, being a grown up sucks and we just want to revert to when we were kids and made forts out of stuff.  That was of course in between hopping from chair to chair to couch because the carpet was lava.  We tried that last week, and we broke a couple of chairs and slipped on the hardwood floor.  It’s just not the freaking same!

Remember that video of a dude who lived on his couch and he even had his own theme tune by that weird dude David Byrne?

YouTube Preview Image

Well as completely brilliant as his whole set up is, we can’t help but think that it was utterly effort to set that all up in the first place.  All those levers and pulley systems, and don’t even get us started on the robots.  What if they suddenly became self aware.  It would be comedy genius if it happened a la Johnny 5, but such a downer if it happened a la Terminator.  The worry would be constant.

We have the answer.

Build yourself a fort.  Now when we say “yourself”, we do of course mean, get someone else to do it.  Once you have that done you’ll need someone to cater for your every whim, so we suggest getting the same person for both.

It’s an employer’s market out there right now, you should have no problem.

We suggest putting an ad on the internet for a loyal sidekick/minion that will work for nothing but insults and the occasional ear clip. should do the trick.  If all else fails, just go and find the village uggo and tell them you’ll be their friend if they do you a little favour. Once you’ve sifted through the 27 million CV’s you get, take the ugliest, scabbiest most leper looking wretch and make them your bitch.  Then call them Igor.  Or Twink.  Now you’re ready.

Set them about building your couch fort with the following guidelines:

Lots of comfy cushions

The throw pillows your girlfriend left behind when she walked out on your lazy ass will do nicely.  It’s ok to like them when no one else is around.  If your uggo mocks you, take one of his fingers.  He won’t feel it, but it sends a message of authority.  It’s just a warning of course, if you take too many fingers he won’t be able to make you sandwiches and stuff.  But that’s his problem I suppose, he’s plenty of toes you can take too. but I digress.

The duvet 

This is essential for keeping you warm when your body temperature plummets from lack of movement.  Plus it might give you something to hug when you get lonely and can’t stand the sickening thought of using your uggo for body heat/human contact.  If your uggo mocks you for getting lonely, just remind him that he’s ugly and lonely and probably smelly and he invented loneliness.


The remotes

Remotes for all of your manly (and womanly) essentials like the TV, DVD player, stereo, Sky box and the wireless controller for your Xbox should always be within reach, oh and a stick sharpener.  Also, there should be a ready supply of batteries in case one of them doesn’t work.  Of course you could always save money on batteries and just stick your uggo in the balls with a pointy stick when you want something turned on/off or the channel changed.

But we think that falls into the condoning violence against people less attractive than us thing, so we’ll not recommend that.  Publicly.

Take away menus

Before you shout about not wanting to live on shitty greasy food and die of a heart attack before you turn 30, you’re living on a couch, so you have to leave any and all body image/self respect behind.  Plus, do you really want your uggo touching your food?

Ever wonder if that waitress you were snappy with is dipping her nose picking finger in your tiramisu? (You should never EVER be rude to a waitress.  Ever.)  Imagine what an ugly, chastised minion is going to do with it.

Best not take the chance.

A bucket or a bag

You’ll need to empty your bowels and bladder from time to time and there’s only so much your uggo’s cupped hands can hold.  Unless you got your uggo from the circus and he’s got freakishly large cupping hands.

Might want to consider that on the job listing.


Your body will have to be moved every now and again to prevent bed sores.  Weights will help your ugly minion beef up to enable him to be able to deal with your continually rising blubbery manly/womanly mass.  Just make sure he wears two pairs of gloves before touching you or you’ll catch the ugly.

A sponge

Bodies may self clean, but parts of you will start to burn when you pee before that happens.  You could always just pick up a packet of those Dettol wipes down at Aldi.  They’re like a shower in a wet tissue.  And a can of Lynx.

Yay, you’ll be a teenager all over again!

Oh yeah, Tissues.  Lots of tissues

That’s about it, you’re now ready to live your life on the couch.

If you’re ugly and you’re reading this and you’ve gotten offended, we’re incredibly sorry.  Hurt feelings and ugly, you just can’t catch a break, can you?

Have we missed anything?

What must haves would you have in your man/woman fort?

About the Author
Matt McG
I is the boss. You are not worthy. You may ask nicely though.


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