How to Build a Fort on the Couch
Let’s face it, we’re a lazy bunch of scrotes when we want to be. If we didn’t have to go to work/the dole office, we’d never leave the gaff. There’s plenty of places on the internet to find women that will come to you, and we have it on good authority that the human body becomes self cleaning after a while.
In fairness cavemen didn’t exfoliate and condition and they had no problem getting clunge (apologies for the crassness, just watched some Inbetweeners). We’re assuming.
Remember that video of a dude who lived on his couch and he even had his own theme tune by that weird dude David Byrne?
Well as completely brilliant as his whole set up is, we can’t help but think that it was utterly effort to set that all up in the first place. All those levers and pulley systems, and don’t even get us started on the robots. What if they suddenly became self aware. It would be comedy genius if it happened a la Johnny 5, but such a downer if it happened a la Terminator. The worry would be constant.
We have the answer.
Build yourself a fort. Now when we say “yourself”, we do of course mean, get someone else to do it. Once you have that done you’ll need someone to cater for your every whim, so we suggest getting the same person for both.
It’s an employer’s market out there right now, you should have no problem.
We suggest putting an ad on the internet for a loyal sidekick/minion that will work for nothing but insults and the occasional ear clip. Jobs.ie should do the trick. If all else fails, just go and find the village ginger and tell them you’ll be their friend if they do you a little favour. Once you’ve sifted through the 27 million CV’s you get, take the ugliest, scabbiest most leper looking wretch and make them your bitch. Now you’re ready.
By the way, before we go any further it should be noted that CHUNK.ie does not condone violence or hatred towards gingers. But they’re used to it by now and it does make us grin.
Set them about building your couch fort with the following guidelines:
Lots of comfy cushions. The throw pillows your girlfriend left behind when she walked out on your lazy ass will do nicely. It’s ok to like them when no one else is around. If your ginger mocks you, take one of his fingers. He won’t feel it, but it sends a message.
The duvet. This is essential for keeping you warm when your body temperature plummets from lack of movement. Plus it might give you something to hug when you get lonely and can’t stand the sickening thought of using your ginger for body heat/human contact. If your ginger mocks you for getting lonely, just remind him that he’s ginger and he invented loneliness. Win.
The remotes. Remotes for all of your manly essentials like the TV, DVD player, stereo, Sky box and the wireless controller for your Xbox should always be within reach. Also, there should be a ready supply of batteries in case one of them doesn’t work. Of course you could always save money on batteries and just stick your ginger in the balls with a pointy stick when you want something turned on/off or the channel changed. But we think that falls into the condoning violence against their race thing, so we’ll not recommend that. Publicly.
Take away menus. Before you shout about not wanting to live on shitty greasy food and die of a heart attack before you turn 30, you’re living on a couch, so you have to leave any and all body image/self respect behind. Plus, do you really want your ginger touching your food?
A bucket or a bag. You’ll need to empty your bowels and bladder from time to time and there’s only so much your ginger’s cupped hands can hold.
Weights. You’re body will have to be moved every now and again to prevent bed sores. Weights will help your ginger beef up to enable him to be able to deal with your continually rising blubbery manly mass. Just make sure he wears two pairs of gloves before touching you or you’ll catch the ginger.
A sponge. Bodies may self clean, but parts of you will start to burn when you pee before that happens. You could always just pick up a packet of those Dettol wipes down at Aldi. They’re like a shower in a wet tissue.
Oh yeah, Tissues. Lots of tissues.
That’s about it, you’re now ready to live your life on the couch.
If you’re a ginger and you’re reading this and you’ve gotten offended, we’re incredibly sorry. I personally am afflicted to having a semi ginger beard and side burns and it makes me want to cut myself. I feel your pain. That’s because I’m only about 10% ginger. You won’t feel anything, devil spawn.
Have we missed anything?
What must haves would you have in your man fort?